I’m Sorry, Sinéad

On October 3, 1992, Sinéad O’Connor tore a picture of Pope John Paul II into pieces after performing a rendition of “War” by Bob Marley on Saturday Night Live. In 1992, I was not alive. My parents would meet about a year and a half later—both raised in New Jersey in Catholic families—getting baptized, receiving communion, and getting confirmed. My father was an alter-boy, going to the church on his lunch breaks at school to help with mass during the week. (He was always agnostic, but he played his part in the ritual).

I grew up vaguely Catholic. I was baptized, went to CCD, and right before my First Communion, my Jersey-Italian mother with a correspondingly strict Catholic upbringing pulled me out of the Catholic Church in favor of a church under the Presbyterian denomination. I was happy to be freed from sitting for hours weekly in an old classroom that smelt like dust and had crucifixes of a nearly naked, bleeding, emaciated Jesus hanging from the walls. I made my first communion casually, without a white dress or formalities. I lined up in the sanctuary and ate a little cracker and drank a little wine (grape juice, probably) and walked back to the pew, my mom with tears in her eyes, likely because of the importance of the first communion in her upbringing, which I didn’t understand at the time. I thought it was just prayer with snack.

Even though Sinéad O’Connor ripped up that photo nearly four years before I was born, I remember the controversy still present in my family when I was young. Her name was spoken in hushed tones, and I don't think I had ever even heard her sing. It felt sacrilegious to even mention her in conversation. As a child, I never knew what she had done, but I knew it had to be something horrible—something so wretched it rendered her name unspeakable. I grew up making assumptions based on silence and hushed conversations, like many children do.

On October 3, 1992, Sinéad O’Connor tore a picture of the Pope into pieces to protest child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. This was nine years prior to Pope John Paul II publicly acknowledging the abuse within the Church—a now commonly recognized issue, and even the butt of jokes by many mainstream comedians. But O’Connor, a pop singer and a survivor of abuse herself, was blacklisted by the media (and in turn, by many Catholic families like mine) for speaking the hard, vile truth. She was not acting how a pop princess with doe-eyes and a pretty face should act. And her resistance was punished.

Sinéad O’Connor’s death was announced this past Wednesday. Upon her death, I had never heard a song of hers—maybe a part “Nothing Compares 2 U” on the radio. (I know this might seem unexpected from me based on the other musicians and bands I listen to: i.e. The Cranberries, Kate Bush, PJ Harvey, Alanis Morissette, 4 Non Blondes, etc.) I never explored her music because I always thought that she had truly done something horrible. Reading the articles about her postmortem, I realize that her major controversy is that she was brave enough to call out child sexual abuse within the Catholic Church. To think that this person was blacklisted by the media, booed at public events, left without support by other entertainers (not you, Kris Kristofferson), and made out to be the villain because she was advocating for the safety of children is beyond contemptible.

On Thursday, I put on The Lion and the Cobra, Sinéad’s debut album. The 1987 album is named after Psalm 91. I am immediately met with regret. “Jackie” starts the record—her voice rings like a siren and I have chills down my legs. The album continues, exploring relationships and sexuality, society and injustice, and religion all while maintaining radio-friendly musicianship. I feel nauseous because I missed out on loving her and her music while she was still alive.

For He will give His angels orders concerning you, To protect you in all your ways. On their hands they will lift you up, So that you do not strike your foot against a stone. You will walk upon the lion and cobra, You will trample the young lion and the serpent.

—Psalm 91:11-13

I see myself in Sinéad—except I’m far less brave. I wish I could say I am as brave as her, but a lot of the time I get so anxious at the prospect of being perceived that I am frozen in fear. I don’t even know if I could perform one of my songs on SNL, let alone protest arguably the most powerful institution in the world when the cards are so obviously stacked against you. But we both are queer artists, musicians, lyricists, and writers with fibromyalgia, borderline personality disorder, agoraphobia, and misdiagnoses of bipolar disorder.

Early last year, her son Shane passed away due to suicide. I don’t mean to speculate on the cause of her death (which has been unannounced), but I know based on my family’s own experience that suicide within the family is something you never really recover from. My two uncles (my father’s older and younger brothers) both committed suicide. Todd died in 2014, the day after his father was buried. Keith died in 2018. Both had multiple attempts, and none of them were easy on our family or close family friends. We tried at support, at rehabilitation, at recovery—but ultimately, it was futile. None of us were ever the same afterwards.

“You praise her now ONLY because it is too late. You hadn’t the guts to support her when she was alive and she was looking for you.”

—Morrissey

Sinéad, I’m sorry. I am so sorry. The world owes you an apology, and I’m sorry that you could not witness that in this lifetime. The media led a campaign against you, egging on the public to crucify you for doing what a true artist does: being a conduit for the unadulterated truth, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the audience.

So many women are revered in death after living a life of shrouded in criticism and condemnation. This isn’t a new phenomenon. Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Britney Spears—the list goes on. The media are way more than complicit; they are a huge, if not the main, reason that we see lives and reputations destroyed until it is tragically too late. Then upon death, like the flip of a switch, we see the media completely change its tune. The very people who wrote the articles perpetuating the narratives that turned these women into villains and pariahs are now the people writing eulogies and in memoriam think-pieces for clicks and ad revenue on their websites.

Sinéad deserved better. Artists do not have to be tortured to be artists. As consumers of media, we have the ability and a responsibility to think critically, practice media literacy, reject dangerous narratives, and stop torturing artists. It is a privilege to witness art. Artists deserve better.

I Was Not Productive in 2020 & I Don't Feel Bad About It

When January 2020 hit, I wrote an extremely ambitious list of resolutions, likely driven by the excitement of the new decade–most of which I barely adhered to by the end of February. By mid-March, my creative energy lulled like a candle at the end of its wick. I abandoned blogging. I starved my YouTube channel of new content. I could not write anything longer than a caption to a meme. Wildly uninspired and oscillating between apathetic and overwhelmed, my creative process felt less like writing was once my passion and more like a root canal without anesthetic. Everything that I attempted to write felt dreadfully irrelevant or a depressing reminder of normalcy long gone.

At the start of quarantine, I bought a tripod to film vlogs and covers for YouTube. The tripod continues to sit in the corner of my room, unused. In a futile attempt to jumpstart my creativity, I began The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, promising via contract in the preface of the book to complete all twelve weeks of the course. I took an indefinite break after week ten. (Sorry for breaking my contract, Julia Cameron). I purchased a bizarre amount of books that I did not read. In all honesty, I’m not even sure if I read a single book after the quarantine began.

I neglected working on my novel, recording my album, writing new tunes, making new content, reading, writing new short stories and poetry, and getting out of my pajamas for nearly a year. 

Simply, I was exhausted. Creativity is not compatible with exhaustion. I was not productive in 2020, and I don’t feel bad about it, because in reality, rest is productive. 

Rest. Is. Productive. 

You cannot pour from an empty cup. 

Towards the end of 2020, I desperately needed to find my footing. I tried to find a way out of my nauseating anxious apathy. I started journaling again. I picked up Gilda Radner’s memoir that I started (and put down) in July. I indulged myself in nostalgia, baking traditional Italian cookies that my great-grandmother used to make for my grandparents, shipping them to New Jersey, three-thousand miles away. (Those cookies traveled more miles than my entire family combined this year). I got out of pajamas. I sang Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” at the top of my lungs and watched claymation Christmas movies. I felt like the Winter Warlock in Santa Claus Is Coming To Town—convincing myself that progress is simply one foot after the other. 

I started writing some standup comedy ideas. I kept making silly memes. I reread my old work. I launched the merch for manicpixiememequeen. I started working with my cousin, Amanda Amato, who is insanely gifted (and seemingly tireless—unfortunately, I did not get that gene), writing content for her business, AMA Designs & Interiors. (If you’re at all interested in interior design, I highly recommend you check out what I’m writing over on her blog).

On New Year’s Eve, I wrote about the loss and grief that we all experienced in 2020. I reflected on the year, what I learned, how it made me access my life and values, and how I want to apply that to this year. My resolutions this year aren’t necessarily less ambitious than last year, but they are more flexible and offer some much needed self-compassion. Yes, I want to be more present blogging and making YouTube videos. Yes, I want to finish the manuscript of Unfunny Girl (my novel) and record and release hunger. (my album) by the end of the year. But as 2020 so brutally reminded us: nothing is for certain; take nothing for granted. Whether this reminder holds a flame under my ass to get shit done or whether this reminder makes me slow down and enjoy the time I have right now in this present moment with my loved ones, I am going to accept it and appreciate it for what it is, because as gross and trite as it sounds, we genuinely never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Be back soon,

—c

P.S. I’ve already amended my resolutions. It’s January 5.

If you feel so compelled—send me a message about what you would like me to write about on the blog! 

Boo Radley Bitch

I didn’t describe myself as an agoraphobe until six months ago. “Agoraphobe” sounds gross—eerily similar to “ogre,” but also sadly housebound. A depressed, housebound ogre. Doesn’t that sound so wonderful? 

Boo Radley—the fictional reclusive character in To Kill A Mockingbird, created by author Harper Lee, a fellow recluse—initially was shadowed by the potential of his darkness, mystery, and predation. Later, after saving Scout and Jem, Boo revealed his true character: a good man, just plagued by agoraphobia. 

Six months ago, I realized that I am a Boo Radley Bitch. 

There are many misconceptions about agoraphobia, perpetuated by shitty representation in the media. “Agoraphobe” comes with negative associations: isolated; withdrawn; prone to addiction; neurotic, or worse—psychotic. The very word “agoraphobe” feels like an attack on one’s character. 

As your resident Boo Radley Bitch, I can inform you that being an agoraphobic individual is not gross. Agoraphobia is simply a disorder—that I happen to have. While I admit it does make me somewhat isolated, neurotic, and a fan of self-medication, my phobia has never been a reflection of my character. Mental illness is never a reflection of one’s character. (Ableism has tricked us into thinking that being mentally ill and/or physically ill is a personality flaw. Ableism can go fuck itself). 

To put it in perspective: agoraphobia is when your brain puts you on corona-virus-esque quarantine for no fucking reason at all. At-home self-quarantine, as per the brain’s orders. The panic that the average person feels during a pandemic is the average amount of panic I feel on a day to day basis just leaving my house.

For many privileged neurotypicals, there is nothing to survive on a regular day-to-day basis. But for a person with panic disorder with agoraphobia, leaving the home puts your body into a primitive state—like you’re gambling your chances at survival by simply leaving your porch. Fight, flight, or freeze. The amygdala takes no vacation days.  

If I am forced to leave my home, my brain forces me to wake up early, with at least three hours of downtime before leaving the house—including time to make at least two lists, take an herbal tea that’s supposed to sedate me (but definitely doesn’t have any effect), take my prescribed benzodiazepine, smoke a CBD/THC ratio that I’ve nailed down to perfection, and then occasionally drink some wine or vodka (depending on how much time there is and the severity of the panic) to get out of my house and into the real world. 

I had a therapist once tell me to rank regular activities on a scale from “1-10,” illustrated on a worksheet with a graphic of a thermometer, ten being the upmost anxiety, labelled, “No Way—I Can’t Do It!” in a childish and approachable font. She said that I should be pushing myself daily to do a “three or four,” but what she failed to understand was that I panic in my house—my safe space. The only time I’m lower than a three or four is when I am sleeping, unless I’m having an insomniac episode and sleep evades me, or I’m having a nightmare or a panic attack in my sleep—then I’m still hovering at a three or four, sometimes even a five in my own home. I am constantly in a state of panic. 

About a month ago, I couldn’t make it to a memorial service for a peer. That night I shaved, planned my outfit, set my alarm clock for that morning, and day of, I physically could not show up. I kept thinking about who would be there, who would see me, how they would see me, how long I would be away from the house, where I should sit if I had a panic attack and needed to get outside inconspicuously, how quickly I could get home. Escape routes needed to be planned, mapped out like internal satellite. 

Anxiety—termites leaving little pathways inside my brain and in my nerves, in my physical body. They leave maps of panic, how to leave, when to leave, signals of when you have to leave. 

It is never quiet. 

In October 2019, my body shut down. Termites had completely eaten away at my insides. They had been in the process of hollowing me out since that March, when I had the incredible opportunity to start working at a company that I really enjoyed working at. I had my period the week I started. Immediately after starting the job, I did not have a period for ten months. My hair frayed out like burnt wool. I couldn’t remember texts, emails, conversations, names, dates. 

When you’re in a state of constant fight or flight, your brain’s last priority is reproduction, keeping your hair and skin nice, or remembering shit. It’s about survival. 

My doctor put me on medical leave that October.  

Currently, I am on disability through the state of California because of my panic disorder with agoraphobia. When my doctor (psychiatrist) put me on medical leave, I was ashamed to be considered “disabled.” I had internalized the stigma of being an agoraphobe, the stigma of not being considered a “productive” member of capitalist society. I can’t sleep, leave the house, or eat like a functional human being. What do I have to offer? 

Agoraphobia is simply a disorder I just happen to have. 

Does it mean leaving my porch is scary? Yes. Does it mean that sometimes when I go for a neighborhood walk, I can only make it two blocks and then I have to turn around? Yes. Does it mean that literally any Trader Joe’s parking lot has the ability to instigate an immediate panic attack? Yes. Absolutely yes. 

But does it mean that I don’t have anything to give? No. Absolutely not. 

Regardless of my mental and physical afflictions, I am an invaluable individual. I am Boo Radley Bitch. I am a good person, who happens to have agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is not dirty, gross, ugly, or evil—it just is a phobia of being outside of a perceived “safe space.” And as an individual, I have a fuck ton to give. Granted, it has to be given from my safe space. But I do have a fuck ton to give. 

I’m a Boo Radley Bitch, and I’m here to talk about mental illnesses, to educate, to uplift, and to connect. I have a lot to give, even if it’s from the confines of my mental illness and the perimeter of my home. I’m here to spread some Boo Radley goodness! 

Cori Bradshaw: Dating & Coming Out of the Mentally Ill Closet 

Instagram user question: “How to bring up (your own) mental illness while dating?” 

There comes a time in every relationship when I am presented the opportunity to let my romantic interest know that I am mentally ill. This moment is terrifying. It’s a weird moment that generally induces the anxiety shits while I’m at a restaurant that I don’t even want to be at because everything on the menu is causing an anorexia flare-up. My illnesses are hard to hide; they’re not easy to just brush off as “quirky” and have a cute Zooey Deschanel moment. I’m flipping through the menu like I’m trying to find a word in a dictionary and I’ve never used a dictionary before. My leg is tapping and shaking the table. I’m drinking too much wine because I am incapable of relaxing. I’m probably talking too much. My palms are clammy and I’m hoping my date is not a first-date hand-holder. 

Thus, the opportunity arises for me to come out of the mentally ill closet. Simultaneously, amongst all of this internal chaos, I’m attempting to gauge my date’s reaction before I even say anything. I’m praying they won’t get scared and leave, but I’m also praying that they won’t be more into me because of it—which is equally as gross. 

The waiter comes to the table and asks the dreaded question, “What would you like to order?” 

My date orders quickly, like a functional human being.

“And you, miss?” 

“Um, I’ll take the house salad with the dressing on the side. Dressing on the side, please. Please make sure that the dressing is on the side. On the side. Please. On the side. Thanks.”

I’m hyper-aware that my date notices that this is definitely not a cute Zooey Deschanel moment. 

The waiter leaves. We sit at the table that wobbles from my incessantly tapping foot, and I’m left with two options: I either come out of the mentally ill closet now, or I pass up this opportunity and simply allow my date to ponder about why I took so long to order when all I ended up getting was a salad with the dressing on the side. 

The food eventually comes, and I do not use the dressing that was set on the side at all. 

“Why don’t you put dressing on your salad?” 

Well, I have an eating disorder, so things like dressing send me into a body-dysmorphic thought-spiral that leads into a debilitating anxiety attack, which will leave both of us feeling weird and embarrassed, I want to reply. 

“I just don’t care for dressing,” I say. 

Usually, I pass up the opportunity (at least on the first date) to come out of the mentally ill closet. It ends up feeling like a confession forced by a bad cop. However, sometimes I’m left feeling guilty for withholding the information. Don’t I owe it to my date to let them know what they’re getting into? 

No. Thinking that I’m inherently difficult to date and therefore worth a warning to a potential romantic partner is internalized ableism, and I’ve decided check that shit at the door. 

Personally, I’ve gotten used to telling new love interests and friends about my struggles with mental health. Being manicpixiememequeen forces me to disclose certain information about my mental health. Most people know of my meme page, where I chronically overshare my issues with 150,000+ strangers on the Internet, so when I come out of the mentally ill closet, it just confirms what my date already knows. 

In addition to being prominently mentally ill on the Internet, dating with agoraphobia and panic disorder has forced me to become more transparent about my mental health in relationships, even in the beginning stages. Dating for an agoraphobe is rough. I rely on online dating most of the time, because I hate leaving my house. I match with someone, really enjoy talking to them, and then when they ask me on a date, panic floods my brain. Is the location of this date outside of my safe radius? Can I get home quickly? How quickly? Google Maps says it is approximately thirty-two minutes away, which already is too far, and if I miss the train, I have to tack on another twenty minutes of waiting for the train while steeping in an inescapable sense of impending doom. What if the date’s in the city? What if something happens to the train while I’m in the tunnel underneath the Bay and we have to follow the emergency directions that I saved to my phone in 2015 (just in case)? Oh God, they asked me to a movie. The run-time is 137 minutes. I’m socially trapped in a movie theater for 137 minutes, and that doesn’t include getting there, or waiting in the concessions line, or even the previews. 

After my thought spiral, I normally come out of the mentally ill closet via text and explain that I have panic disorder, which makes leaving my house extremely difficult. Being out for extended periods of time in an already anxiety-provoking situation (i.e. a first date), is close to impossible. Reactions range from empathetic to awkward to rude to completely ignoring what I said and just asking again if I want to go to a bar in the city this weekend. 

The people who respect your boundaries are the people who are worth your time. If I tell a date that I have to meet them in a certain place that falls in my “safe space” category, I expect them to accommodate that boundary, especially because I trusted them enough for me to get vulnerable about my mental health. If they do not respect my boundaries in the beginning, it’s a clear sign that they won’t respect them in the future, and that’s not a healthy place to begin any sort of relationship–romantic, platonic, whatever. 

Even though I personally tend to tell people about my struggles with mental illness, you are under no obligation to tell anyone anything, especially if it brings you extreme discomfort or you think that it could jeopardize your mental, emotional, or physical safety. 

If you do choose to be open about your mental health, I find that the best way is to mention it casually at first (if can even happen over the phone or text) and then continually have small conversations about it—that way it doesn’t feel like you’re giving an intensive lecture and PowerPoint about your entire mental health history in the beginning stages of the relationship. As your relationship and the trust progresses, you can use those small conversations to slowly divulge more information and help promote a consistent dialogue about your health and its relationship to your romance and/or friendship. It also gives both parties plenty of opportunities to create boundaries and ask any questions that come up along the way. 

Avoid having your coming out of the mentally ill closet moment come from a place of shame or embarrassment—like you’re lunging yourself out in a panic, making a confession. When you divulge information slowly, it avoids that grand moment—that moment that frequently makes us feel “crazy” or “abnormal” because we had to come out of the mentally ill closet in the first place, unlike neurotypical daters. Genuinely, there’s no right or wrong way to tell someone. It’s about prioritizing your comfort and boundaries. If they’re going to treat you differently upon finding out that you have a mental illness, then they weren’t worth your time in the first place, and therefore, you dodged a bullet. Congratulations on not wasting your time! 

This post was prompted by a question submitted to me during a Q & A session on Instagram. If you have something you’d like me to write about/answer, feel free to ask me via the contact button below! (Questions will be answered publicly without the querent’s name attached). 

It All Started as a Finsta...

In March of 2017, my entire life was in the shitter. A mere month after my medication-induced mania with psychosis (a delightful pairing!) and my uncle’s suicide attempt, I did what any mentally/emotionally-strained millennial would do: get a Mental Breakdown Haircut and make a finsta. To clarify, I didn’t jump into memes just to steep in my despair and self-loathing. I wanted to channel my turmoil into something that felt equal parts cathartic and productive. I needed to make some form of creative content to keep my brain busy—to feel like I was moving, even if I didn’t feel like I was moving forward. Under the guise of “manicpixiememequeen” (and originally utilizing a pseudonym of “Josie”), I began making memes about how wretched my life was. 

And then it went viral. 

The niche meme community took me in stride; bigger accounts quickly began to follow and repost me, and by the time I could catch my breath, I had a following that could not sustain anonymity. My brother started calling me “Hannah Memetana,” which was a total compliment. That July, I “came out” as manicpixiememequeen. Continuing to make memes about lighthearted topics like mental illness, the patriarchy, capitalism, relationship issues, and the increasingly complicated navigation of modern society, my account continued to grow, and I realized that while I loved to believe that I was special enough to be alone in all of my crazy and nasty feelings, a lot of other people also had these crazy and nasty feelings, and these feelings weren’t crazy or nasty at all.

On our personal Instagram accounts, we curate perfect pictures with perfect captions, highlight our most impressive achievements, share our most FOMO-inducing adventures on our stories, post photos with the right filter at the right angle at the right moment—we even take into consideration that wretched Instagram algorithm! We present very tactfully constructed versions of ourselves. On @manicpixiememequeen, I don’t do that. In fact, I set out to do the opposite of that. Naturally, I’m a chronically neurotic, anxious, and depressive individual, and I make content about that. With being honest about who I am and staying true to how I’m feeling, it builds this unique space that allows people to openly discuss aspects of society, their lives, or themselves that aren’t so Gram-worthy or picturesque, and in all of this, we have the incredible opportunity to actually connect with each other, instead of being tied up in our ultra-competitive, synthetic digital world. 

My profile currently has over 149,000 followers on Instagram, which is absolutely wild. Clearly, I’m not the only person in the world struggling with mental health issues or having some difficulty navigating the absurdity of modern society. While my brain loves to tell me, “No one really understands!” and then I perceive my own self-imposed isolation, the evidence against this is in the numbers—the audience, the engagement on the posts, the hundreds of messages I receive from people across the globe telling me that they relate so much to my page and they’re grateful for the content I make. Social media was supposed to be an antidote to isolation, not the cause. We have a responsibility to be authentic, to connect with each other, and to lift each other up in our worst “I’m Cutting My Own Bangs In My Bathroom At 2am” moments. Because a lot of us have been there. And then we had to consult a therapist. And a hairdresser. 

Humor is underrated. It can be one of the most powerful vehicles for understanding and healing. The easier these things are to talk about, the more we will discuss them, which will in turn break down the barriers that prevent understanding and empathy. Memes make difficult  topics accessible for discussion, and they provide a sense of community and healing for the viewers. Especially with memes that discuss mental illnesses and societal structures/injustices, it helps breaking down the inherent stigma casted on those who are ill and/or oppressed. If we can get a laugh out of our darkest moments and create a conversation about how we as a society can better serve each other, what more can you ask for? Get ready to be vulnerable and have a good fucking time doing it! 

Stay witchy & bitchy, y'all! 

—Cori Amato Hartwig, aka @manicpixiememequeen 

This blog post has been reposted from manicpixiememequeen.com.

In Memory of Keith Hartwig

January 8, 2018, 8:55am: “Oh no! I hope this is the right phone number. I think it is you, Co. Anyway, listen, I wanted to see how you’re doing, and yeah…life is fun, ain’t it, at times? But you are too talented, you have so much going for you, and c’mon. You gotta kick ass. You, out of anyone, could kick ass. That’d be you. You’re a smart, talented, pretty lady. Anyway, I just want to tell you that I love you, and you’re always my biggest fan. I think you’re just so gifted, and I’m not just saying this, you have so much talent, you do, and um—I might have a little more. I’m Keith. *laughs* It don’t get better than that. Anyway, I love you, kid, and I’ll talk to you soon, and I just hope you’re doing well. And I love the fact that you’re, you know, doing what you gotta to do and all that. Alright? I love you, kid, hang in there, be tough, be strong—well, that’s what they told me too, but I’m there, and I ain’t being strong. So you gotta hang in there with me, kid, alright? I love you to death, Co. Hang in there. Love you. Bye.”

—Keith’s voicemail to me, the first of three.

***

Content warning: anorexia, suicide.

I am six years old. I don’t need glasses yet. It’s Thanksgiving. I still like holidays, not because they are vacations but because of the natural novelty of them. I sit on my twin bed and wait for my family to arrive, peering out of my window that looks down on the street. Earlier than called for, I see my uncle’s pickup truck roll by and park by the mailbox. I run outside barefoot.

“Hey, kid!” my uncle Keith says with a toothy grin. He has a styrofoam cup of coffee in one hand and greets me with the other. He has Timberland boots on (before they were considered fashionable) and cargo pants. He is the coolest person in the world. He lights a Marlboro and tells me to sit on the small retaining wall off of the side of the porch to shield me from the smoke. He tells me funny stories about nothing. Every time he goes out to smoke, I follow him. He tells me that I don’t have to follow him out. I tell him that I want to follow him out. He lets me.

I am fourteen years old. I have short hair, braces, glasses, and a horrendous level of insecurity corresponding to my awkward adolescence. Dad tells me Uncle Keith is coming to live with us for a while. I do not know why this is, but I do not ask questions. He sleeps in the loft upstairs. I like having him around.

“What did you do today?” my mom asks me and my younger brother at dinner.

“Not much. I just did some homework, then I wrote a song,” I reply.

“You wrote a song?!” Keith says. “Can we hear it?”

My insecurity flashes across my entire being, but somehow I end up bringing out my guitar and singing a tune called “Breathless” in the living room to my family. Keith cries. It is then that I realize that I can actually sing, after years of people telling me that I was tone-deaf.

Keith goes back to live in New Jersey on June 3, the day before my fifteenth birthday. It isn’t a memorable birthday at all.

I am twenty years old. It is a Tuesday that happens to be Valentine’s Day. It is my brother’s birthday. Two days pass. During a lecture, I receive a text, “I’m so sorry about your uncle” without knowing which uncle or what happened, but I know it is Keith and I know it is self-inflicted, now aware that the reason that he lived with us when I was fourteen was because of a suicide attempt. I am old enough to know that history repeats itself. I exit the classroom and go home. Keith is in the hospital. I cannot process this loss until he comes home to us in May. He is on crutches and has a scar across the top of his head like headphones. I give him my room at my parents’ house. I spend more time at my apartment near the university. He still wears Timberlands. He is still cool as hell. We sit outside in the backyard. We watch the birds and the sky’s gradient fade into different versions of itself. I tell him about school, friends, music, dates.

“Do you love him?” Keith asks me after I’ve told him about a date with someone I have been seeing for a while.

“I think so.”

Keith smiles. He has a preoccupation with love. He especially likes the songs I write during this time.

I am twenty-one years old. After six months and their challenges, fights, and outbursts, my parents and Keith have decided that it is time for him to move back to New Jersey. My dad says goodbye at the airport. It is Thanksgiving, but I do not run outside barefoot. We are a family of four again, but almost three. I do not eat Thanksgiving dinner beyond vegetables. By the beginning of January, I begin an outpatient treatment program at a hospital in Berkeley. Keith calls me the morning of orientation and leaves a voicemail to tell me that he is happy that I am going. I do not return the call. He calls again on January 10, twice. By then, I have already quit the program. I don’t return those calls either.

Three weeks later, I am Keith’s profile picture on Facebook. In that moment, I know. The photo is a close crop of me at a healthy weight, posted while I am going through intervention-esque treatment for anorexia. He captions it, “My gorgeous niece Cori Hartwig!” I comment and tell him that I love him. He replies, “You’re The Best Co! I Love You! Hope Everything’s going Great over there!” This is our last exchange.

Consumed with my own disappearance, I forget that other people have the ability to disappear as well. By the time I overcome my state of being snow-blind from the flurry of doctors and hospitals and skin and bones, he is lost to me.

I am twenty-one years old. History repeats itself. It is immortalized in police reports, filled and unused prescriptions, receipt paper, license plate numbers, anonymous news headlines, security footage in retail stores. We piece together timelines and stories. There is no note.

Hang in there, be tough, be strong—well, that’s what they told me too, but I’m there, and I ain’t being strong.

There is no note, but there are voicemails and calls left unreturned.

I am twenty-two years old. There is a spider on my wall. I watch it crawl like I watch the memories from the Pennsylvania split-level, from downtown Pleasanton at the coffeehouse (now closed), from our walk to the middle school, from the backyard, from the Pacifica shore, from the boat on Lake Del Valle two birthdays ago. I watch it crawl. It is two in the morning and my eyes grow heavy with sleep, my vision cloudy like cigarette smoke on the porch. I wish there was an easy way to tie everything up, to package it gracefully, to set it aside, and to indulge in these memories without feeling the grit and friction of grief against my consciousness. I wish there was an easy way to know that a soul is okay, an easy way to show a spirit a new song you’ve written, an easy way to share one last conversation, an easy way to return one last phone call, an easy way to turn back time and take away their pain before it could cause collateral suffering to those in their wake, an easy way to bring their presence back to you—even for a split second. Until then, I pray. I pray, I pray, I pray, and I remember.

keithsquirrel.JPG

Rest in peace Keith Hartwig

07/02/1968—02/28/2018

Redefining Recovery

Content warning: eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS).

Last Valentine’s Day, I sat alone in the waiting room of the eating disorder wing in UCSF’s children’s hospital—crying mid-morning on a Wednesday. It was about three weeks since my anorexia-induced heart scare. The sense of my own inescapable mortality hovered like fruit flies over browning bananas forgotten on a kitchen counter.

“Cori?” a nurse called me back down a fluorescent white corridor. I followed her into a sterile room decorated for someone at least a decade to a decade and a half younger than me—Curious George stickers on the walls. The nurse instructed for me to take off my shoes and leave them with my bag in the room while we went into the hall to measure my height for the third week in a row as if they expected it to change. She noted it onto a clipboard and motioned for me to come into another horribly lit room.

I took off my clothes (down to my bare ass) behind a curtain, as she instructed, and put on the hospital gown. Knowing the routine, I stepped backwards onto the scale and the nurse scribbled down my weight without informing me of my progress towards weight restoration. I redressed and made my way back to the room with my belongings.

“The doctor will be right with you,” the nurse said, after taking further vitals. She shut the door.

I laid on the lined table, thin paper crinkling beneath my still thinning hair—the long, lean light bulbs stinging my eyes. My skin still didn’t feel like mine. My clothes were beginning to fit differently. Under the instruction of professionals, my parents removed the scale from my apartment. All of my control was surrendered to further my life.

Curious George, that sick, happy creature, mocked me with balloons and joy and livelihood as I laid on the table, seemingly ready for dissection. Over the past few weeks, I had been struggling with the aggressive recovery meal-plan that forced me to eat essentially six meals a day (three regularly portioned meals, three Cheesecake Factory portioned meals) even though I had been starving myself for the past five months. My psychotherapist and I asked the doctors to adjust the meal-plan so I would gain approximately half a pound to a pound a week (instead of UCSF’s intended one to two pounds a week) because of the psychological implications of my body dysmorphia. The doctors did not listen, despite my requests backed by another mental healthcare professional. Over the course of my pseudo-recovery, I gained on average four pounds a week without any adjustment in my meal-plan, and I even received criticism from a doctor telling me that the rate in which my recovery was happening was “not fast enough” and that I “really needed to adhere to the meal-plan as directed.” This encouraged behaviors that led to me developing bulimia, which I had never struggled with before my weight restoration. Every night I curled up to a heating pad over a bloated belly, struggling with a compulsion to rid my body of the pain of its own nourishment. A lump in my throat. Crying into a damp pillow. Food up to the vocal cords. And there those sick stickers were, plastered on the walls with their monkeyish pleasantry despite the fact that I had been crying the night before, and the night before that, and the night before that, and even in the waiting room fifteen minutes prior. How dare they remind me of living when I had been in the process of dying!

Later, I asked my therapist what recovery looked like. She spoke of intuitive eating, body acceptance, self-love, eating without guilt, yada yada yada. I knew that.

“I’m sick, but I’m not an idiot,” I wanted to say. I didn’t.

Beyond weight restoration, I had no concept of what recovery looked like in reality, but I knew that this was not it. With the newfound bulimia (which felt like anorexia’s long-lost uglier sister), I knew that on the surface I looked healthier, but I was actually unhealthier, or maybe equally just as unhealthy. Every time I skipped a meal or purged or had a low-calorie food and passed it off as the regular calorie version I plunged into a senseless pit of guilt that overwhelmed every ounce of my being. I wanted to be better in the depths of my soul, but I did not know how, and I was tallying every mistake I made like a prisoner counting the days on the wall of his cell.

It was then that I realized that everyone around me had it completely wrong.

It was not about my weight, the numbers that corresponded to my body or medications, it was not about charts, putting labels to moods and feelings—it wasn’t about any of that at all.

In the urgency of treatment, everyone had forgotten that I was a human. Instead, anorexic had been scribed on my forehead, and I had been treated with the most prescribed, unpersonalized care that fit that brand of illness. They had sent me off with a healthier number but not a healthier mindset and pushed me off assuming I’d go floating away into the sunset like the end of Grease, when in reality, I felt like they had tied me down to a coal mining cart, pushed me down a darkened railway, and called the depths “recovery.”

With the distance between the present me and the me crying in the waiting room of the hospital, I’ve found that the failures of my so-called recovery are not on me as much as they are on the “perfect recovery” narrative. As much as I would love intuitive eating, self-love, eating without guilt, and body acceptance, I have been struggling with these issues since I was six years old—compulsively riding my bike around the block trying to burn off the one-hundred calories of the Oreo Thins or Cheez-Its in my lunchbox at school, packaged in conveniently marketed “100-Calorie-Packs.” How do you unlearn behaviors that grew with you like an identical twin?

Currently, our recovery narrative sets us up for failure. Instead of openly discussing relapses, comorbidity, concurrent treatment options, alternative treatment options, we focus on why we are not adhering to the linear, upward, positive recovery path. The narrative intoxicates us, creating imaginary sharp lines between wins and losses, and magnifying every blip in the process to leave us discouraged and ultimately more prone to give up completely.

The mental health professionals I have worked with have been trained to insist that full, long-term recovery is so possible and so accessible that my natural ups-and-downs in the process feel like personal failures. If they insist that it is so possible, then why can’t I achieve it?

Mental illnesses are chronic illnesses. Inherently, you do not recover from a chronic illness. If you told someone with diabetes or Hashimoto’s disease or epilepsy to do one phase of treatment and then recover fully, you’d be seen as a complete ignoramus. So why aren’t our mental healthcare professionals treating mental illnesses as chronic illnesses that need continual monitoring, management, and attention?

A year later, I am still struggling with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and other mental illnesses. While I am grateful for the treatment that saved my life, I recognize its shortcomings in its perpetuation of the perfect recovery narrative that is completely incompatible with any chronic illness narrative. At a professional level, we have to make changes in treating mental illnesses by not portraying mental illness recovery, but by portraying sustainable mental health management. Management is not linear, clean, or perfect, but a process that you must go through with honesty, vulnerability, and strength, and professionals must respect patients’ humanity and dignity beyond the pathology of diagnoses. Without an empathetic, personalized, and realistic model, we continue to set ourselves up for so-called failure, when in reality, we need to be set up to forgive ourselves and better ourselves for an overall healthier future.

Mental Health and Social Media Panel at Stanford University (Transcription)

Note: This is a transcription of the presentation given on February 1, 2019 at Stanford University on the Mental Health and Social Media Panel/Discussion.

My name is Cori Amato Hartwig, also known as @manicpixiememequeen on Instagram. I make memes about lighthearted topics like mental illness, the patriarchy, capitalism, relationship issues, and the increasingly complicated navigation of modern society. I started the account in March of 2017. At the time, I was a junior at San Francisco State, and I had just been through a yearlong rollercoaster ride of trial-and-error psychiatric treatment in an attempt to find a medication that worked for me, and the month before starting the account, my uncle attempted suicide. Sitting in my bed sporting my new trademarked Mental Breakdown Haircut, I created a new Instagram profile called @manicpixiememequeen, partially out of boredom and partially out of my desperation to channel my personal turmoil into something that felt productive.

Originally, the account was anonymous and existed more as a “finsta” rather than a cohesive meme account, but as the account became popular and went viral, I took ownership of the account and I personally came into the character of @manicpixiememequeen as a public persona. Over time, I wove a narrative around my own mental health issues and personal life through creating memes, and I shared my content with an audience who shockingly, understood my narrative in their own personal ways.

Currently, I have over 97,000 followers on Instagram, which is absolutely wild. Clearly, I’m not the only person in the world struggling with mental health issues or having some difficulty navigating our weird and absurd world. While my brain loves to tell me that no one else really understands and then I perceive isolation, the evidence against this is in the numbers—my audience, the engagement on the posts, the hundreds of messages I receive from people across the globe telling me that they relate so much to my page and they’re grateful for the content I make.

@manicpixiememequeen subverts the mainstream Instagram narrative. On our personal Instagram accounts, we curate the perfect pictures with perfect captions, highlight our most impressive achievements, share our most FOMO-inducing adventures on our stories, post pictures with the right filter at the right angle at the right moment. We present very tactfully constructed versions of ourselves; these illusions are just as hyperbolic as the persona of @manicpixiememequeen. It’s just swung the other way. Instead of presenting myself as perfect, happy, and successful, I present myself as a chronically neurotic, anxious, and unhappy character. In turn, people relate to the point that they feel comfortable enough to openly discuss aspects of society or their life that aren't so perfect or picturesque, and they have the opportunity to connect with others on my page who are going through similar issues.

Ironically, social media was intended to connect us and then it brought about this pervading sense of isolation, toxic comparison, and competition. But as I’ve seen with my experiences running @manicpixiememequeen, there’s plenty of opportunity to use social media for authentic community and connection. I can actually witness it in the comment sections on my posts—people relating to each other and reaching out, asking questions about mental health management that they may not have had the opportunity or the confidence to ask if the post didn’t make them understood or safe enough to do so.

Last September, I was interviewed for NYLON Magazine about the benefits of mental illness memes and the effects of social media on mental health. The journalist asked me multiple times if I thought mental illness memes were actually detrimental, and I consistently wrote back saying no. If anything, using humor as a vehicle is helping generate some conversation and awareness. Then I made the comment that what actually is detrimental is silence and stigma surrounding mental illness and the widespread lack of access to comprehensive and affordable mental healthcare. Unsurprisingly, that comment was not included in the published interview.

Overall, social media can and does have effects on mental health. However, we have to consider the ways in which we’re using social media, interacting with others, and understanding the messages that we’re being presented with. As we grow increasingly digital, media literacy needs to be prioritized as something we teach people, especially young people during their formative years. We need to make sure that everyone understands that the images and content you see online is no accident. It did not come from a vacuum. Digital media is constructed, purposeful, and generally trying to sell you something that you don’t need. Most of us were thrown into the digital age without a roadmap for understanding or even the concept of media literacy, and I think if we were given more tools to understand at an earlier age, we’d see less of those negative effects that Baby Boomers love to read about, ironically, on websites constructing their own content and media.

Fordham University Mental Health Speak Out Speech (Transcription)

Note: This is a transcription of the speech given on September 20, 2018 at Fordham University.

Thanks for coming out tonight to Fordham’s Psych Club’s first ever Mental Health Speak Out and Open Mic Night. I’m super stoked to be here and help be apart of providing a safe space for people to talk about their mental health experiences, raise awareness, and break down stigma.

My name is Cori Amato Hartwig and I’m a writer, musician, editor, and mental health activist. Along with my impressive resume of being an unemployed recent grad—I run the weirdly viral mental illness meme account on Instagram, @manicpixiememequeen. I started the account started in March 2017 after I had the worst manic episode of my life to date, and I was overwhelmed pretty much every aspect of my life. So naturally, I started making memes and posting them for strangers on the Internet to see. Originally, it was just a place for me to shout my feelings and experiences into a void, but the account started gaining traction, and then I realized: “Holy shit. Other people get this too. It’s not just me.” And now the account has 70,000 followers or something absurd. My previously perceived sense of isolation because of my mental illness has completely dissolved in this community built around finding solace in humor and through sharing my experiences openly.

Recently, I was featured in NYLON Magazine; they wanted to interview me about mental illness memes and their potential benefits and pitfalls, and to me, I really could not name a pitfall. The interviewer asked me if memes are “normalizing the negative behaviors and mindsets that come along with having a mental illness,” and I told her that memes are not the problem. Silence is the problem. Silence is not strength and it never will be. Silence is poison. We need to normalize mental illness and the experiences that come along with it. We also need to normalize treatment for mental illness.

Of course, that part of the interview was not published—along with comments I made about the accessibility of treatment and healthcare for mental illnesses.

The day that I sent that interview off to NYLON, Lizz contacted me on Instagram asking if I would come to Fordham and be a guest speaker. Honestly, I am totally honored that she’d even extend the invitation. Then I realized that this is so much bigger than just me making memes about mental illness. It’s not about the memes at all, actually. It’s simply about having a public platform—whether that be comedy, writing, music, or art—it’s about having a public platform to safely express and share experiences and create a dialogue, because the mainstream media isn’t doing it. So it falls on us to start talking and keep talking.

We’re all here tonight despite the stigma, despite the guilt, despite the lack of dialogue, despite the pain—despite it all, we are here tonight.

Unfortunately, there are people who are not here tonight.

In January, I was in the hospital at risk for a cardiac arrest due to anorexia. Luckily I had access to professional care, even though my parents had to pay up the ass in copays and medical bills in order to save my life. Without them and without treatment, I would be dead, and I would not be here tonight.

A month after my own brush with death relating to mental illness, my uncle killed himself. It was not his first attempt, and Keith was not my first uncle lost to suicide. In June 2014, right after I graduated high school, my uncle Todd took his own life.

My family is incredibly open and we’re all clearly afflicted by mental health issues to some degree or another. We have bipolar, depression, anxiety, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, addiction, eating disorders. We’re like the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual in the form of a family. Growing up in this large, vocal, and mentally ill family helped me realize where the shame part of mental illness fits in. The answer is it doesn’t. I’ve excluded shame from my personal narrative; I refuse to carry it. I have enough shit to carry otherwise. But we’re subjected to silence so frequently that we start thinking that we should be hiding and that we should be quiet and that we should carry shame.

So tonight, we’re going to do the opposite of that. We are not going hide, we’re not going to be quiet, and tonight—there is no shame in this room. We’re going to leave the stigma at the door, and we’re going to have the most fun and supportive session of group therapy that you’ve ever been to.

If you feel safe and able to do so, share your story, share your experiences, share your art. Tonight this space is ours, and I want to make sure that everyone feels comfortable and no one feels pressured. So, whether you are here because you want to share or if you’re here just to listen, all I ask is that we keep this space respectful, unassuming, compassionate, and supportive. I also want to make sure that what is shared here is respected with the confidentiality that everyone deserves.

Dreams Deferred

Yesterday would have been my move-in day into the second floor of a two-family house in Hackensack that bent my dreams a bit. It wasn’t that the apartment wasn’t livable or even beautiful. I had no tangible complaints. It had French doors! Wall to wall windows with limitless natural light! Hardwood floors! Cute old-school crystal doorknobs! An updated kitchen with granite countertops! Antiquity meets functionality and cleanliness! Character!

But as we went through the motions to get the lease signed, something felt off. An inexplicable unease that spoiled the process of moving into my first independent living space. I was a few signatures away from a move that would defer my dreams of living in New York City for the foreseeable future—at least a year.

Sleepless for a few days, I sat up in my bed wondering what was wrong with me. Here I was, privileged to have an opportunity to live on my own in a quaint house (it even had a little garden in the front yard with colorful and well-maintained landscaping) in a nice part of town, and yet I was having an unnamed crisis. I called the realtor and backed out of the lease, fearing the commitment of the move to the suburbs while my dreams lived across the river.

Thinking back to three months prior, I remembered graduation, packing my bags, and immediately ditching California to move in with my grandparents in Jersey in hopes of finding a job in New York and then moving to the city. Since moving to California in 2008, I always knew I’d come back to the East Coast—I just needed an opportunity. What better an opportunity than right after college? A fresh start, a new life, a chance to leave some things behind. Honestly, a change of scenery could be prescribed like a medication.

I moved to the East Coast like I was going into the witness protection program. Anorexia who? Bipolar who? What’s a depressive episode? Anxiety attacks? Never heard of her. I thought that maybe if I pretended enough, I’d actually convince myself that my physical location was the root of my problems.

A change in physical place would undoubtedly make for a change in headspace, right?

After telling myself this over and over, I halfheartedly began to believe it. So when I started feeling horrible, I started feeling guilty for it. C’mon! You moved three-thousand miles away from all of this! You made the change, now feel like you changed. Why are you feeling like this?

When you run from your problems, your problems follow you. Having dreams of moving to New York City and having a job that I actually liked that paid a livable wage did not negate the necessity of all of the steps in between—all of which I had skipped. I didn’t know how to recover from anorexia and I still don’t. I still have anxiety that leaves me debilitated. When my mood is bad, it’s bad. And when it’s good, I just think it’s good, but it’s actually still bad. Plus, the memories that marred the state of California actually just marred my brain. Trauma doesn’t latch itself onto a space; it attaches to your psyche in a way that requires for it to be addressed.

Clanking together glasses of prosecco with my friends toasting to my new beginnings a few days before my move, I took the first sip and uttered something about how glad I was to leave everything behind, but then I ended the comment with, “I hope United doesn’t charge me for the baggage!” referring to the emotional baggage that I was one-hundred-percent conscious of bringing to the East Coast with me.

So if I knew that I wasn’t ready to take on New York, why did I make the move?

Because at the time, it was easier to run three-thousand miles away from my problems than to confront them head-on.

Recently, I started having these dreams about holes the size of pencils in my palms, falling into sink-holes, refusing to get into hot air balloons. I started freaking out over eating a singular piece of dry toast, exactly like the panic I felt on the kitchen floor in San Francisco. Anxiety attacks in the aisles of Shop-Rite. Sleeping for two hours or fourteen hours and nothing in between. Trying to not cry at church. Crying on the subway. Crying on the bus. Panic attacks at dinner over pasta and a comment about plate sizes. Stepping on the scale and hitting the lowest weight since quitting the anorexia recovery program in March.

Sensing my unspoken turmoil, my incredibly intuitive mother urged me to book a one-way ticket again, this time back to California. Initially, booking that ticket back felt like a personal failure—a dream too big for the mouth, spit out like chewed food into a napkin.

Announcing the move with little explanation, sinking into my self-prescribed defeat, I considered how close I got to my dreams, but the distance I still maintained from them. Moving back to California inserted infinitely more space between me and my goals. Drunk on my own impatience, I declared New York City an impossible goal, a playground for the rich, an unattainable and emotionally unavailable love interest. The four months I spent here were a miserable waste of time, and I did it to myself.

But then I realized that these past four months taught me more about life and about myself than any therapy session, sermon, or self-help book could have.

Over the past four months, I had the privilege to sit down at nightly dinners with my eighty-year-old grandparents and tell my grandmother that the eggplant was perfect and the tomatoes were sweet and the gravy hearty but light, and she glowed with the pride of providing sustenance in more ways than one. I attended church with my grandfather every Sunday and held his hand during the Lord’s Prayer. I sang hymns I have never heard before. Together we patiently sat in the waiting room until my grandmother’s hip replacement was complete and I visited her in the recovery room. Poppi and I sat for a total of ten hours (including a lunch break at a local pub serving corned beef and beer) until she was moved to a non-ICU room, which had a view of the Harlem River. I had the opportunity to work at a bizarrely upscale event company and sneak into a world that did not belong to me. I dressed in head-to-toe black and lounged on rooftops in Lower Manhattan, dreaming of the Hudson and towers that no longer exist. A trip up to the Catskills enchanted me when I met a dying artist named Erin in a dark hospital room, smelling of medical-grade cleanliness and month-old bouquets given out of premature grief. While eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and drinking wine from a mug as the motel TV droned, I pieced together pieces of Erin’s life through her art with Carol, Erin’s good friend—now a source of infinite wisdom, empathy, and friendship for me. I watched as workers from a hospice care company moved Erin from the hospital into her artist’s studio—a transition from black-and-white to Technicolor only rivaled by Dorothy. July 31 marked Erin’s passing and she signaled her departure with two cardinals on the porch of her studio. After twelve years and two suicides in the family, I visited the campgrounds in Pennsylvania that I had first slept on at one month old—a place that my late uncle visited me in a dream after his passing. We sat around campfires detailing stories that built us and broke us and scarred us and rebuilt us. We spoke of Todd and Keith in ways that resurrected memories from graves and placed them in the blue of the fire to dance and glow. Removing all physical distance between me and my older cousin (a role model throughout my life), we were able to remove the previous emotional distance. We sat at coffeeshops and sang pop songs at midnight and laughed in the aisles of markets and called each other sisters and meant it. When she picked out her wedding dress, I sucked down a celebratory glass of champagne to avoid crying in public. It worked. I walked the streets of New York City with the benefit of not paying its rent. I drank wine in Central Park. I went to museums by myself and never once felt rushed. I learned that I am a person afflicted by an illness and not an illness afflicted by a person. I learned that two steps forward and three steps back is actually still forward because math doesn’t always apply. I learned that a dream deferred is not a dream dead and a trial is never an error—it is simply a trial.

And if I all I gained from this failure of a move is all of that, then I never failed at all.

When the plane lands on the SFO runway on October 3, I will still be midair—suspended in the grace of memory and lessons that come with it.

On Life-Path Reevaluation: Flowers Grow in Shit and Dirt

On Valentine’s Day of 2018, I had a doctor’s appointment with the eating disorder specialists at UCSF. It wasn’t my first visit to these doctors; it was my third week of an intensive, ultra-monitored recovery program. I had been forced to start it in late January, after I went for a routine physical, and my primary care doctor found that I was at risk for cardiac arrest due to a relapse of my anorexia. 

I took a Lyft to UCSF from my South San Francisco apartment, somewhat embarrassed to tell the driver that my drop-off was the hospital. I stepped out of the car, walked into the lobby, and took the elevator up to the second floor. Looking up into the mirrored ceiling of the elevator, I saw my drawn face, the circles under my sinking eyes, and I remembered when I was allowed to take the stairs up to the second floor of buildings, instead of being forced by a group of doctors to take the elevator because my heart had grown so weak. A short elevator ride, but by the time the doors opened and spat me out, I started crying, thinking to myself: How did I get here? 

A brief moment of clarity—crying in an elevator of a hospital. 

I thought about the progression from the previous July to that February: how many times a day I’d weigh myself; how many times I’d debate eating a piece of dry toast; how many times I’d measure out carrots by the gram; how many times I’d pinched my arms, legs, and stomach during a lecture, eventually tuning out the professor because I had been thinking about how much I regretted that half-portion of low-fat vegetable soup three nights before. 

Who am I, when did I lose sight of who am I, and how did this happen?

During recovery, I dove into my art to attempt to rid myself of the deep-seated pain in my gut (both emotional and physical pain)—writing songs, personal essays, fiction, prose poems—and I remembered that this is what I live for. I do not live to look beautiful. (And I do not live to look sick). I do not live to count calories. I do not live to obsess over being in control. I do not live to stand and shrink until I disappear while everyone watches. 

I do not live to stand and shrink until I disappear while everyone watches. 

Silence, shrinking, fragility, conformity, fear—these are things I openly reject. And as I created my art and shared with my peers, regaining that sense of intrinsic purpose, I realized that the life I was living was a life that was inherently intertwined with values that I reject. In turn, my very actions were contradictory to everything about my identity. Then, over the course of the past six months, came an equally difficult and equally easy reevaluation that inspired me to begin writing a memoir, share my mental health journey with others, get in touch with my spiritual side, and move back to the east coast to pursue my passions and be with my family. 

Growth often comes from pain. Flowers grow in shit and dirt. Reevaluation of your actions and the life that you are living is necessary for growth. 

Remember your passions. Keep a list of them. What grounds you? What makes you feel intrinsically motivated (try not to consider money, fame, recognition, etc.)? What makes you feel like you put meaning into your life and into others’ lives? These passions can be as “small” as writing letters to your loved ones, or as big as fighting for universal accessibility for people with disabilities. 

From that list, look at what you value. Is it justice, family, spirituality, honesty, communication? Values are completely based on the individual and nearly limitless. Write this list below the list of your passions. 

Now, take a look at these lists collectively. Why are you passionate about painting? Why are you passionate about gardening? Why are you passionate about education? Why do you value family? Why do you value authenticity? These answers are your intentions. 

This next step is often the hardest and the most painful, but remember the physical growing pains you felt in your shins during middle school. The same thing happens mentally and emotionally when you reevaluate. Think about the life you are currently living. Where are you passions and values in your life right now? Are they fully apparent, sort of hinted at, or have they shrunken down and disappeared completely? Are you intentionally living your life? 

Upon those answers, you can make informed decisions to make changes that you need in order to feel fulfilled and avoid mental/emotional/physical/spiritual exhaustion. With this exercise, you can restore your sense of agency and can feel grounded and validated in any further actions you make to keep you on your true, meaningful life-path. 

To request a topic or ask a question for me to write about in a blog post, please comment or contact me via coriamatohartwig.com/contact!

No, I Don’t Want to Go to Yoga: The Problem with Mental Health Advice from Neurotypicals

My mother, a neurotypical, swears by her weekly yin yoga classes to preserve her sanity. She drives to the yoga studio, a cute remodeled two-story home on a sweet little side-street downtown, and climbs a flight of stairs to an airy room with large wood-paneled floors and flow-y white curtains that Stevie Nicks would alter into a dress during the Belladonna era. She comes home weekly smiling, claiming she feels like she “just got a massage—so relaxed!” 

After months of constant “Try Yoga” propaganda from my mother and my brother (another neurotypical who is a proponent of daily meditation), I acquiesced and joined my mother for an hour long yoga class. 

I arrived, sat down in a circle with a bunch of white people who chanted words in a language I was willing to bet they could not identify, and realized–I am having a panic attack at yoga. 

Attending yoga felt like going to the dentist. I stared up at the blank white ceiling, unsure of what to do with my eyes (I become anxious when I close them in public), and I imagined the ceiling cracking from the ceiling, falling on me, thus killing me. A man with a bun strolled around the circle, playing a cover of an Ed Sheeran song on an acoustic guitar. I fantasized about an unfortunate, untimely death throughout the class. 

I couldn’t do some of the moves. Uncoordinated and in a panic, I squinted at the teacher in the middle of the circle, moving gracefully, and too quickly for me to imitate. I knew that the poses would be difficult for me—it was my first class after all—but once the teacher came up to me and touched me without permission (a total of three times), I realized once and for all that maybe yoga wasn’t for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the state of my body, my fat legs, my unshaved armpits. I couldn’t close my eyes. The teacher put an aromatherapy sack of some bead-shaped foam on my eyes. Claustrophobic, I fantasized about my death again. 

I struggle with a multitude of mental illnesses, including but not limited to bipolar disorder ii, generalized anxiety disorder, anorexia, and borderline personality disorder. Sometimes I feel like I am the personification of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. I have gone to therapy for over half a decade with three separate therapists, tried EMDR therapy for my phobias and anxiety, tried SSRIs and mood-stabilizers and beta-blockers and benzodiazepines, received treatment from a specialized hospital for eating disorders (where I experienced a gross level of misogyny and stigma in the professional medical field firsthand)–and I am still mentally ill.

I don’t expect to be cured. Like any chronic illness, it’s about management and coping. 

Professional mental health treatment feels like a shot in the dark. The patient—basically a guinea pig—tries nearly any method suggested by their medical professional to feel better, frequently resulting in the patient feeling disappointed and exhausted from the lengthy trial-and-error process. The management of any chronic illness is a long journey. It is difficult to feel better. Sometimes I wake up and I’m not in the mood to interact with other people or even go outside—let alone go to a yoga class (where I’m touched without consent and forced to close my eyes and feel insecure about my body, its shape, and its movements).

The problem does not lie in the suggestion of yoga itself. It lies in the way that yoga, meditation, and other zen-like activities are suggested by neurotypicals who do not acknowledge other options for people who struggle with mental health, like therapy or psychiatry. These forms of mental illness management are rarely suggested by people who do not personally experience mental illnesses themselves. 

Why don’t neurotypicals recommend therapy or psychiatry, but recommend yoga, mediation, exercise, fermented foods, taking allergy tests, cutting out gluten, cutting out diary, cutting out red meat, etc., etc.? Why don’t we talk about receiving professional help for mental illness? 

When someone suggests yoga, meditation, changing diet, etc., it reduces the mental illness into a brief mood of sadness, a fleeting feeling of worry, a moment of insecurity. My mental illnesses are more than just feeling “unhappy” or “worried” or “insecure.” They’re overwhelming, chronic, systemic states of being—often with mental, emotional, and physical symptoms—that make me feel like I’m actually dying. Chest tightening, shortness of breath, heaviness of limbs, fatigue, insomnia, dizziness, muscle tension and discomfort, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of appetite—these symptoms have to be managed, and it takes much more than yoga classes to do so. 

Maybe we’re talking about yoga because we’re uncomfortable talking about mental health. But our discomfort is destructive. Because we’re not talking about professional help and/or medical help, many people feel ashamed to receive it or even ask for it. Some people don’t even know their options, as so many healthcare programs in the United States do not cover therapy, psychiatry, etc. 

This past winter, I looked for months to find a program to get into for my eating disorder. I looked throughout the entire Bay Area (an extremely populated and relatively wealthy area) for outpatient programs, medical specialists, nutritionists, specialized therapists, and specialized psychiatrists. Programs were either not covered by insurance, or there were waitlists, or I had to travel over an hour to get to the program. Eventually, I gave up, and a few weeks after giving up on the search, my heart rate hit a dangerously low level that required medical monitoring, which opened the door for me to receive help. 

But does it have to get to a life-threatening level before help becomes accessible? 

Neurotypicals—if you want to be an ally and a mental health advocate, stop talking about yoga, meditation, and mindfulness. As positive as your intentions are, it’s more than yoga. Start talking about professional and medical help, accessibility, affordability, and better healthcare. Start having conversations that make some people uncomfortable. Vote for government officials that support more comprehensive, more affordable, and more accessible healthcare that encompasses mental health. It’s more than yoga. Start advocating.