Cori Bradshaw: Where Dating Apps Fall Short

January 26, 2021

1. The Absolute Anarchy of the Average Profile

Every time I log onto Tinder, I spend about two minutes to swipe left consecutively, then exit the app in a disappointed, frustrated, and vaguely disgusted fashion. This happens within the span of two minutes because of the sheer amount of profiles that include two or more of the following dating profile missteps:

no bio
a bio exclusively of emojis
a bio that already demands something from me, including but not limited to:
a photo with someone who might, potentially, probably be their ex
a photo that is just of their dog
a photo that is just of their car

Other offenses, for me personally: selfies taken at the Man Angle (i.e. the front camera either held much too low or much too high in relation to the face—both angles make me feel like I’m Facetiming my grandma who doesn’t quite understand where the camera is on her phone); a series of photos in which they are always wearing a hat (Hatfish: a man who wears a hat at all times, but looks drastically different without a hat). If men can make superficial dating app rules about SnapChat filters and makeup, then I can make my own rules about angles and hats.

2. Super Likes Are Creepy

They just are. Please just swipe right and continue about your day. If I like you, we’ll match. I’m put off by your impatience.

Super Likes give off a peculiar energy; you literally know nothing about me, other than several purposefully flattering photos and a bio of 500 characters max. What expectations did you just project onto those tactful photos and three-hundred-some characters that made you so enthusiastic to match with me?

Perhaps this is my own issue with past people making me into their “manic pixie dream girl” (hence my satirical manicpixiememequeen), but whenever someone shows too much interest in me prematurely, I feel like it’s not just an innocent, genuine interest in getting to know me, but an already established belief that I can assist with their own character development while they ignore my lack of true personhood.

Then I swipe left.

3. The Commitment Conundrum

Specifically on Bumble, you can note what you’re looking for: something serious, something casual, or “I’m not sure.” You can also note your attitude about kids: have kids, don’t have kids, want kids, or “I’m not sure.” I deleted Bumble because of the number of men who “don’t know what they’re looking for” but simultaneously “want kids.”

Counterintuitively, many men will be wary of commitment, but be 100% sound in their desire to be a father. So you want a child, but you’re confused as to whether or not you’re ready for a relationship?

Google sperm donation. It’ll be the hands-off experience you’re looking for.

4. The Breath Test

Long story short: bad breath is a showstopper.

When you meet someone in real life (okay, maybe not so much anymore because six feet and masks have kept other peoples’ foul breath to themselves), you can tell when they need an Altoid. Online, you can’t tell if the person you matched with needs an Altoid—or worse, a Listerine strip!—and that gives me anxiety.

Can Tinder add a “breath test” function?

5. Untranslatable Chemistry

One time I met someone at a silly Halloween party. Upon first glance, he wasn’t really my type, but once we started talking with each other, laughing, and jokingly queueing songs, I had this immediate attraction to him. Maybe it was his confidence and humor and our bizarrely comfortable witty banter—regardless of the (truly inexplicable) reason, we had undoubted chemistry.

On a separate occasion, I met an incredibly compassionate man who was very much my type. I sat at dinner with great conversation over a bottle of Chianti and perfectly al dente pasta, and I wondered why I wasn’t feeing attracted to him. He was courteous, he was smart, he was genuine, he was considerate, and he did everything right.

If you asked me via a dating profile who I would have rather gone out with, I would likely have picked the guy who was my type physically, but attraction doesn’t necessarily translate into chemistry.

Physical chemistry isn’t just based on how attractive someone is—sometimes it just happens. We swipe left; we swipe right. Sometimes you experience chemistry with someone and it is absolutely untranslatable to online dating.

As much as we want to believe that we understand attraction and how to be attractive—attraction is sort of this bizarre, magical thing.

In that magical, butterfly effect sort of way, my parents met in happenstance when my father was picking up his friend and teammate (my mom’s coworker) to go to their club soccer game; my dad saw my mom walk out of the Toys“R”Us office building and into the parking lot. He asked his friend who she was. His friend set them up in June 1994; by January 1996, they were married, and by June 1996, I was born. They celebrated their 25th anniversary earlier this month.

Can a digital landscape replicate synchronicity?

You simply cannot quantify or qualify chemistry in dating profiles. Dating profiles are a great option—especially during the pandemic—but personally, I still struggle with dating apps as the first and only option for people my age. What are we sacrificing for convenience? What are we sacrificing out of impatience? What are we sacrificing out of the fear that if we don’t digitally put ourselves out there, we’ll be alone forever?

Despite all of these qualms, I’m not saying that you can’t meet a significant other via dating apps; I actually know a few couples who dated and got married via Tinder. They have joyous relationships—some with adorable children—and I love that dating apps worked for them. But if dating apps aren’t serving you, don’t be afraid to branch out, or even just allow yourself to enjoy your own company for a while.

Romancing yourself is equally as important as romancing someone else. Buy yourself flowers. Buy yourself really indulgent, homemade chocolate. Watch your favorite movie. Make yourself a meal that reminds you of home. Pop a bottle of good champagne (or prosecco) for no reason at all. Woo yourself. Treat yourself as if you were dating you. Treat yourself as if you were in love with you.

But really, be in love with you.

The Signs as Halloween Candy

October 31, 2019

Aries–Sour Patch Kids
Sour. Sweet. Gone. Why is the slogan identical to the timeline of dating an Aries?   

Okay, Aries gets a bad rep. They really do mean well; the issue is in their execution. The sour aspect leaves your tongue a little raw, but for some reason, we don’t really mind the burn because of the super soft and sweet center. The initial sour punch is reminiscent of Aries’ headstrong manner. Who can deny that Aries is a little reckless in a childlike, sour, kiddish–yet undeniably lovable–way?
Taurus–Cookies and Cream Hershey Bar
This candy bar is so good, it almost verges on hedonism.   

I know a weird amount of people who stan this rare trick-or-treat candy. Most homes are giving out the standard Hershey’s fun-size bar, or maybe if they’re going wild–the Hershey bar with almonds, but how often do you see suburban families recklessly distributing the Cookies and Cream Hershey Bar?

  Taurus won’t share their Halloween candy, unless its an enticing trade. When it comes to the Cookies and Cream Hershey Bar, they’re off the table for sharing, because honestly, how often do you actually get to have one? They’re indulgent and an unintentional, effortless cult-favorite…did you mean, Taurus?
Gemini–Butterfinger
The texture of a Butterfinger is curious…like, why is the peanut butter weirdly crunchy? Why do I enjoy that? It’s because it’s intriguing and unexpected. It “breaks out of the ordinary,” much like Gemini.

  Even though it’s still sweet as hell, Butterfinger has a more savory note than its sweeter and softer cousin, Reese’s Cups (Cancer). Butterfinger–the fave treat of the king of chaos, Bart Simpson–is also a tad flaky. It commits to too many things at once: peanut butter, chocolate, melty, crunchy, sweet, savory, buttery.   

Also, name a candy with more spokespeople and a better marketing reputation. There’s socialite Gemini written all over this.
Cancer–Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Name a more delicious duo than chocolate and peanut butter. Not only are the flavors perfectly married, Reese’s Cups have a decadent, comforting texture that definitely makes Cancer want to eat a baker’s dozen of them while watching Hocus Pocus, because it reminds them of watching it on ABC Family during their childhood.   

Plus, drunk Cancers frequently act like Geminis (who are Butterfinger, which is basically a chaotic Reese’s Cup in candy bar form).
Leo–Snickers
Leo isn’t Leo when they’re hungry. Actually, out of all of the signs, they’re close to the top of the list of “Most Likely to Get Hangry.”

  Milk chocolate, caramel, nougat, peanuts! Even though there’s a lot going on here, we really couldn’t have it any other way. Imagine a Snickers without one of its crucial components–yawn! It’s 100% necessary to have that many flavors meshing together to create perhaps the most decadent candy bar on the market. What’s Leo without all of their complications and drama anyway?
Virgo–M&M’s
M&Ms work hard. They come in a billion flavors and colors and can even be customized, mirroring Virgo’s perfectionist tendencies. They want the job done, they want the job done right, and they want everyone to love it. Much like a Virgo, M&Ms are incapable of becoming too soft because of their hard shell, but eventually, they do get melty and sweet. Just give them some time.   

Not only are they wildly practical (thanks to their innovative candy shell), M&Ms come with an interesting World War II origin story that Virgo would casually bring up at a Halloween party to appear intellectual in a history-buff sort of way and casually well-read.
Libra–Three Musketeers
It’s literally just chocolate paired with whipped up chocolate. It’s a Milky Way without the caramel. If you like chocolate, you’ll like Three Musketeers; it’s palatable and generally non-offensive. There’s really nothing to dislike. Much like Libra, Three Musketeers just wants to charm and please people, not taking on any other flavors or bold textures to turn anyone off.  

It feels decadent, but in reality, it’s like, 90% air. That element of airiness leaves us wanting a little more–something actually indulgent, not just superficially indulgent. That’s not to say they’re not good. They are good. They’re fluffy and chocolatey and sweet. We’re not complaining.
Scorpio–Hot Tamales
They might not seem like a popular candy, but in the United States, Hot Tamales rank as the seventh best selling Halloween candy. Why are we so secretive about our love for Hot Tamales? They’re delicious, and if you don’t think so, your palette is probably not elevated enough to understand. Hot Tamales are for kids with a more refined palate, or adults still crushing the Halloween candy game.   

These fiery little treats will 100% leave you a little burnt but simultaneously wanting more. While Scorpio’s a water sign, they’re extremely fiery because of their passionate nature, which comes off as fierce and potentially intimidating at first. Because they’re spicy, people frequently forget that Hot Tamales are actually super soft, gummy candies. Underneath Scorpio’s shell, there’s a soft and sweet (but still spicy) core. Misunderstood and underrated!
Sagittarius–Twix
Need a moment? Spontaneous and frequently putting their foot in their mouth (in an endearing way), Sagittarius needs a moment approximately 100% of the time. Even the name “Twix” just sounds straightforward and punchy, much like the impulsive nature of Sag.   

Arguably, Twix bars are one of the best candy bars going. They are crunchy, sweet, smooth, chocolatey, caramel-y, and satisfying. Twix bars are the shit. Sag thinks they’re the shit, and they act like it too. But can we blame them? They’re fun, spontaneous, caring, always down for indulgence–voted most likely to be invited to every Halloween party and win the costume contest.
Capricorn–Kit Kat
Have a break, have a Kit Kat. Notorious workaholic, Capricorn, needs a break.

  Capricorn appreciates the functionality of a Kit Kat. They’re straight to the point: milk chocolate with a satisfactory crunch. Classic milk chocolate, classic wafers. Call them boring, but they’re reliable. Has a Kit Kat ever let you down? No.
Aquarius–Skittles
Aquarians: the resident eccentrics of the zodiac! Quirky, full of life, colors, and flavors–what else could Aquarius be other than Skittles? If you don’t think Skittles are quirky as hell, just watch a Skittles commercial. They’re bizarre (but endearing).   

At first, Aquarius seems aloof, perhaps even a little guarded, like a Skittle’s shell, but that’s because they have a lot going on in that colorful mind of theirs. They’re just distracted. Their guard quickly drops to reveal to their vulnerable, empathetic, and endlessly sweet core–much like a Skittle’s chewy middle. They’re out to bring eccentricity to your candy bowl or Halloween party, spreading color and optimism.
Pisces–Swedish Fish
Swedish Fish take the cake as the most consistent candy going. They have one color, one flavor, one shape, and one texture that has never betrayed our trust by changing. (Okay, they’ve added some flavors and colors, but only the red is relevant and widely available). Their consistency provides Pisces comfort; they know exactly what to expect when they pick up a bag of Swedish Fish. It conjures up nostalgia and brings them back to childhood, as the candy has not changed at all. Pisces are the ultimate soft sign, and Swedish Fish are the ultimate soft candy.

  Plus, they’re fish. I’m a sucker for symbolism.

The theme of this meme was inspired by a meme originally created by @sanctuarywrld on Instagram.

23 Things I Learned Before Turning 23

June 3, 2019

Enjoy the things you like loudly, proudly, and unapologetically.  
Yes, for my college graduation gift, my mom took me to a Taylor Swift concert, and yes, I cried. I don’t care if this isn’t “cool.” I had an incredible time, and so did my mom.  
Don’t buy underwear with someone in mind.  
You can’t go wrong with splurging on a nice lipstick or blush.
 Blush is crucial to looking like a real human being after applying liquid foundation. It replaces bronzer entirely, especially if you are as dedicated to the 80s aesthetic as I am. The product itself lasts a weirdly long time because how much blush can a singular human being go through if they’re not Boy George? In addition, I recently purchased a $30 Marc Jacobs lipstick after savoring a Sephora free sample of it for a full year. It doesn’t dry my lips out. It was worth every penny.  
Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.  
Dating is weird. Millennials have a hard time with the “exclusivity” thing (Clarification: I don’t, but apparently that’s weird to the people I date) and that creates a bizarre dynamic in which you are required to put your metaphoric eggs in more than one basket or else you’ll end up with a disappointing omelette. Unless you’re cool with getting your feelings hurt, take your time and keep your options open until intentions have been honestly communicated. This isn’t cynicism; this is practicality.  
Invest in a good pair of leather (or vegan leather) boots.
It may cost you a good $300-$400 now, but you’ll never have to do it again.  
Personalizing your space is crucial in enjoying yourself in that space.
 Your headspace is inherently connected to your physical space. Cultivating a beautiful area in your home, in your cube, and even in your car makes life a little more comfortable.  
Life is hard; stop beating yourself up.  
On @manicpixiememequeen, a lot of my followers reach out to me asking about how to forgive themselves and moving on from the past. Life can be so trying, and you’re inevitably going to have some mistakes and rough times. Personally, I’ve never let a single thing go in my entire life, but I’d be a lot healthier if I did.
What you initially may consider “mistakes” are probably crucial parts of your life-path.
 In late May of 2018, I moved to New Jersey without a job or a plan. Feeling defeated and demoralized, I moved back to California in early October 2018. Were those four months a loss to me? No. They taught me infinite lessons I would never have learned if I had stayed in California. See “Dreams Deferred.”  
Make your bed daily, and please, for the love of God, floss.  
Keep your friends close and your enemies blocked.
 Block your enemies/exes/ex-friends! Banish that negativity! In the world of social media, it’s so easy to stalk your ex-lovers or ex-friends, and it’s so tempting to do so! However, knowing what those shitty people are up to does nothing for you but create anger and anxiety. Even though it’s hard to block those people and even easier to stalk them, please try to block them. Honestly, they could give you the evil eye. Compromise: muting their profile. (Which, in fact, I do frequently. Unfollowing is another option but for some reason just feels petty. Either continue to follow and mute, or block entirely. I’m not an unfollow kind of person).  
Find a signature haircut and a signature nail color and rock it.
 For me, it’s a Stevie Nicks-esque long shag cut with curtain bangs and an obnoxious yellow nail polish. At least no one else can say it’s theirs.  
Sometimes, things change that you never think will change.  
Since my birth, I had a bizarre and inexplicable fear of dogs. All dogs. Even an adorable golden retriever puppy or something as small as a teacup Yorkshire terrier. I would immediately break out in a panic attack. I couldn’t go to friends’ houses if they had a dog or even go to public parks. Sophomore year of high school, I quit my soccer team because seeing dogs in distant fields was unbearable with my phobia. In 2016, I went on Zoloft for generalized anxiety, and it did not work. However, when I stopped taking Zoloft, I somehow did not have a dog phobia. Recently, a coworker brought his dog into the office and I was 100% fine; I looked back on my dog-phobic past, realizing that you never quite can predict what is possible, what will change, and why, but things do change, and sometimes that’s pretty rad.  
Crying is cool. 
…pretending that you don’t have feelings is not! Our experiences are amazing because we feel horrible things and happy things, sometimes all at once. If we didn’t cry, there would be no recognition of the pain or the wonder of life. Owning when you are feeling shitty through a good old-fashioned Kim Kardashian ugly cry feels good, and so does owning a good ass happy cry. So, crying rocks.  
When you’re intimidated by someone, just remember that they have had diarrhea before.  
It’s okay to ask for help.
You’re really not supposed to do it on your own. You’re a human, not some sort of weird lone wolf or Eric Carmen. During my most difficult time with anorexia, I told my mom and dad that I needed help, and they helped me find treatment (actually, many different treatment centers—massive shoutout to my thorough and incredible parents). Even though a lot of those options were not a fit, they eventually led me to a program that did not cure me, but did save my life, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.  
You never know the full story.
Your friends, siblings, parents, grandparents, coworkers—literally everyone—will never have time to fully give you their life-story. There are always stories and facts left out, sometimes incredibly crucial ones that give context for actions and behaviors. Take everything with a grain of salt, and give everyone an ounce of empathy, even if you think they don’t fully deserve it.  
Seriously, drink more water.  
I am privileged, and I have a responsibility to recognize it and use it for good.
 As a white, middle/upper class, cis-gendered female, I have a responsibility to use my voice for my brothers, sisters, and siblings who face discrimination and systematic oppression. You’ll see me at the women’s march, transgender rights protests, LGBTQ+ pride, Black Lives Matter protests, and promoting universal comprehensive healthcare reform that includes mental healthcare. Not recognizing and using my privilege for good would just be an irresponsible abuse of it. 
You can love the Top 40 hits while jamming to a weird mix of grunge, indie, classic rock, country, jazz, and rap.
My dad taught me this lesson early in life—his playlists are neurotic and amazing. They jump from Jim Croce to Milli Vanilli to U2 to Johnny Cash to Rihanna to Paul McCartney. My playlists are similar, ranging from Fleetwood Mac to Hole to Dolly Parton to Post Malone to Led Zeppelin to Lady Gaga to specifically “Stir Fry” by Migos, and I carry no shame about it. Life offers us so much variety; the things you enjoy shouldn’t be mutually exclusive or shameful. Guilty pleasures are a myth. See #1.  
Staying in a hotel room entirely by yourself is liberating.
Knowing lesser-known varietals of wine is beneficial to both the wallet and the palette.
See: Lambrusco, Falanghina, Suave, Garganega. In addition, you can get a decent Chianti or Pinot Grigio at Trader Joe’s for under $10. The quality of a wine isn’t always about a price point.
Bringing homemade bread to a potluck or dinner party will impress any person there. 
You may even make a friend or a significant other. Personally, I make these herbed rolls, which are easy AF to make and a crowd favorite. (This is not sponsored; I genuinely just love these rolls).
Don’t compromise yourself for anyone.
 I’ve been in too many relationships in which I compromised myself and my goals for another person. In one particular relationship, I adjusted my entire life-plan (at the time, it was to be in publishing in NYC—note: life-plans can change) in order to stay with him. I decided that I wouldn’t do the things that I had dreamt of doing for years, and all of my loved ones looked on saying, “Cori, is that you?” and I was like, “Well, yes, but I’m not entirely sure—I just need to stay with said person!” When we broke up, I realized my dreams had the ability to be resurrected, and I moved to the East Coast to pursue them. As Janis Joplin said, “Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.” All relationships are difficult, so compromise healthily, but you genuinely are all you have to count on, so never compromise yourself or your values.

This listicle was inspired by Taylor Swift’s article in Elle’s Magazine, “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30.”

I turn 23 on June 4!